Everything Here is True
by Oekitarts
Summary: Soul Society is bored. All of these events are true. I swear... Ch. 3: Another fsckin' Christmas story!
1. Everything Here is Legal

Everything Here is True!  
By Oekitarts

Disclaimer: I am not Tite-sama. SHUT UP. EVERYTHING HERE IS TRUE. PROMISE! Unyuu!

Chapter One: Everything Here is Legal

The whole of Soul Society is in an unquenchable uproar following a scandal that will undoubtedly change the face of the Shinigami race forever. In the newly rebuilt Central 46 Chambers, Kon, replacing an unnamed generic old man as a judge for no reason steps up to the lectern and speaks.

"The defendant, please come to the stand," said the menacing Judge Kon. "The defendant, one Ichigo Kurosaki has committed theft from several people. Will these people please acknowledge your presences and address the accused? Starting with you, Rukia nee-san."

"You son of a-- KON! Knock off the lame accent! Just why are YOU on the stand and not (removed)-ojii-san?" interrupted Ichigo.

"Silence, Ichigo! I will never forgive you for the unforgivable sin that you committed to my beloved nee-chan! You will be sentenced properly today!"

"Whatever, Kon. Go ahead with your little charade," darted back Ichigo at the impudent plushie.

"Relax, Kon," said Rukia. "All he did was grab some change from my purse when I wasn't looking. Big deal. Let me out of here already."

An enraged Ganju begged to differ. "Objection! Permission to have Kuchiki retained!"

"NICE, GANJU! Nee-chan is retained in court!" said a delightful Kon.

"ICHIGO, YOU IDIOT! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY BEDSIDE LAMP?"

"I didn't steal it you mealy-mouthed bastard!"

"Yes you did! Well, I was planning to buy one yesterday, and then when I got home, it wasn't there! I thought about buying it but then… it disappeared? Uhh… YOU IDIOT, ICHIGO! I'LL HAVE NEE-CHAN KICK YOUR ASS FOR THIS!"

"…what the HELL are you talking about?" asked Ichigo addressing Ganju's blatant inconsistency.

* * *

"Or…der? Order in the court? Screw this. SHUT UP, ICHIGO!" shouted Kon. "Would anyone else like to address the accused? 

"You stole my souvenir sword!" shouted Kira.

"You stole my eyebrows!" shouted Renji, pointing to his pink-spotted forehead.

"You stole Yoruichi-sama!" cried out Soifon.

"But I'm right here," answered Yoruichi.

"That brat stole your undying respect! You don't talk to me anymore… and rumor has it you and him went training without me… and and and-- (sniffle)"

"There, there, you little spoiled little trash-bag bitch. Yeah yeah. Cry on my shoulder like you do fifty times a day. Shhhh shhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don't cry bitch, you'll make my shoulder salty. I SAID DON'T CRY! ARGH! BITCH, I'LL CHOKE YOU! OW, STOP BITING ME!"

"Orange-chan stole my dinner!" exclaimed a fuming Yachiru. "I wanted a peach pie for dinner but Ken-chan made stew instead! THAT MEANS ORANGE-CHAN STOLE IT!! GIVE IT BACK STUPID-HEAD!"

"Yachiru, Ichigo didn't steal your dinner. Oh and by the way, YOU SUM'BITCH, I'LL FUCKIN' KILL YOU, YOU STOLE MY DEC'RATIVE SWORD STAND!"

"You stole my hair!" shouted Ikkaku.

"You don't have hair," answered Ichigo.

"I know. YOU STOLE IT!"

"You wrongfully seized one of my medicine flasks," respectfully said Unohana-taicho.

"You stole my cape. The other one. No wait, I only had nine to begin with. My bad. Sorry, Ichigo," said Ishida and shamefully walked away.

"You stole my dignity and my manhood, not to mention my pride and my sense of morality, and several of my hand-crafted, wooden imitation Senbonzakura ornamental petals." stoically complained Byakuya.

"Asshole! That's not a proper claim! Byakuya's just mad because I kicked his ass!" shouted Ichigo.

"Objection! What is the relevance?" objected Ganju.

"You're not a lawyer, but ok. I hereby give Ganju-san one shot at Ichigo's cheek! Byakuya gets two," said Kon.

* * *

After two hours, the court still hasn't reached a compromise. By now, everyone even the Judge and Ichigo himself (with the aid of Ganju) have taken their share of punches at the defendant. Unohana took some convincing but even she had unleashed some whoop-ass on the poor shinigami substitute. 

"Alright! I get it! Enough already!" said Ichigo.

"Alright, spare the boy! He's about to hear the real news anyway!" shouted Kon.

"Who're you calling…"

"Ichigo. You are hereby sentenced to death and you will be executed after lunch. The court is adjourned."

The crowd exploded in applause.

"WHAT?? You can't kill me! You have no proof!"

"Ichigo! Let me ask you one thing! Are you SCARED?"

"No! I'm about to kick your ass!"

"Just before you do that. KNOW THIS!"

"What??"

"You should be scared, you fool!"

* * *

With that word, everyone in Central 46's chambers magically disappeared and Kon's figure changed of that to Sosuke Aizen. Ichigo's face was pale as he saw that he was surrounded by shinigami with video cameras. Mayuri-taicho was standing there cackling. 

"The illusion is released," said Sosuke.

"You're on Scare tactics!" stated everyone in unison.

"Aizen? Mayuri!? SON OF A--"

* * *

"In the end, Ichigo couldn't handle the heat that a REAL shinigami faces everyday. Of course, he's still roaming around Soul Society trying to find Sosuke-kun and I and chop our heads off. But he won't find us here in the studio. Anyway, I'm Mayuri-sama. Scare ya later." 


	2. Everything Here is Purely Paternal

Everything Here is True!  
By Oekitarts

Disclaimer: I am not Tite-sama. SHUT UP. EVERYTHING HERE IS TRUE. PROMISE! Unyuu!

AN: I share the wishes of Makimaki in this chapter. Sorry, I didn't get Yachiru's character quite right... cries

Chapter Two: Everything Here is Purely Paternal

Makizou Aramaki wakes up from a horrid nightmare only to realize he is still alive and able propagate. His eyes are shot open as he grasps his chest with one hand and the nether regions with the other. "An execution rope painted in red and black, a silver bell up in the mountains, a cinder block, a glass of orange juice. These are the stuff in my dream. The signs can't be any clearer. God, I thank you for giving me these signs. Today must be the day." Removing the shinigami robe he usually wears, Makizou-kun hurriedly searches for a newly-bleached one that the cleaning lady just dropped off the other day.

* * *

A very handsome man emerged from a house on the edge of the famed Seiretei area, 11th squad member, Makizou Aramaki gracefully strides along the sunlit walk. A straw hat sparkling with several tiny diamonds sewn into it is a symbol of Makizou-kun's radiance and confidence on this fine day. The rose emblem sewn onto his tunic is a symbol of passion, his passion for the woman he is forced upon to make a life-changing gesture today. With all this beauty and gracefulness that embody this wise young man, the crowd seems to be clearing a path for him out of respect and awe.

"Young Aramaki!" shouted his neighbor. "Is today the day? The girl is lucky! Such a great chance for her to be destined to have her destiny intertwined with yours!"

"Maki-kun!" shouted another. "Are you gonna ask the question? Are ya? I heard horrible rumors, though! You be careful!"

Makizou-kun listened, but dared not to answer. For today, his attention is concentrated to a single, fixed point in this colorful universe, one girl, one who he has sought and chased after all throughout his shinigami life. At last, he has come to the 11th squad headquarters, a place he goes off to every single day. But today, it has appeared as nothing the young man has ever seen before. The cherry blossoms were blooming, it was spring. Makizou-kun never had the chance to appreciate the blooming flowers, the shimmering sky, the eccentric people, his respected captain, his caring friends. He never did until now.

* * *

And there she was! The reason as to why Makizou-kun has lived again today as a new man, a new shinigami! With all the guts he could muster up in his tough frame, he strode in gentlemanly manner towards the girl, respectfully gestured her to stop, and looked down upon her gazing yet playful eyes and said...

"Yachiru-chan, I love you very much and... I wanna to adopt you. Will ya be my daughter?"

"Makimaki! I love you too! Will you come with me inside and play with Ken-chan and me?"

"Sure. Taicho would love to see your young, happy face. But, whaddya say? Will ya be my child?"

"Well, Makimaki... I dunno! I love you, Makimaki! Let's go play already!"

"Ya love me then? Be my daughter then! Come on, Yachiru-chan!"

"I love you, I love Ken-chan, I love Koma-koma, Boobs-chan, Byakushi, Quincy-chan, Pachinko Head, Peacock, Yama-jii-chan, I LOVE EVERYBODY!"

"But you know, Yachiru-chan... uhh, if you love me a little bit more, and let me become your daddy, I'll play with you for every single waking moment of yours! I'll read you stories every single night before you sleep, and one every time you wake up!"

"Ken-chan plays with me all the time! But, he doesn't read me stories ALL the time!"

"I'll even take you out for candy as many times as you want!"

"Wow! I love candy! But I'm sorry, Maki-maki! You can't be my daddy."

"I'll even make it confetti candy!"

"Uhh, uhh. Wow, that's really tempting! But, sorry. Gotta go write on Koma-koma's bamboo head now!"

"Okay, Yachiru. One more offer. I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll let you... err... sit on my head. Forever."

"FOREVER AND EVER?!?" she said beaming with delight.

"Forever and ever," replied back a satisfied Makizou-kun. "Until I die. Or until you're old enough to reach Bankai and separate from daddy."

"No! I don't ever wanna separate from you now, Makimaki! Or... should I say... DADDY!" Yachiru called out as she leaped onto Makizou's waiting arms. Makizou embraced his newfound daughter and love of his life under the pleasant and welcoming sky. Today is the start of a most beautiful relationship. Two were destined to be together, and they have now found each other.

* * *

Yachiru struggled a bit as she slowly crept up onto her daddy's head to sit on forever and ever until he dies or until Yachiru reaches Bankai and realizes what she's doing is incredibly dumb.

"What should we do first, daddy?"

"I believe the park awaits!"

"The park!"

"And so does the confetti candy you like so much!"

"The candy!"

"And I believe Ikkaku-san needs someone to brighten his day!"

"The Pachinko Head!"

The years with Yachiru that followed were fun. But there came the time when Yachiru finally reached Bankai and replaced Zaraki Kenpachi as the new 11th Squad leader. Makimaki, her father expected her to leave his head and his life for good. But it turned out quite the opposite. Yachiru actually was more of a daughter than she was before, now initiating all the gimmicks that they would do as parent and child. They had fifty years more of fun. However...

_DADDY! GET ME CANDY!  
DADDY! TAKE ME TO THE PARK!  
DADDY! TAKE ME TO BYAKUSHI!  
DADDY! TAKE ME TO THE PARK!  
DADDY! WATCH ME DO BANKAI! WATCH! WATCH! NO, STOP RUNNING! IT'S SAFE!  
DADDY! YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN ME TO THE PARK YET!  
DADDY! I GOT A BOOBOO!  
DADDY! HELP! THERE'S A HOLLOW!  
DADDY! KOMA-KOMA IS BEING MEAN TO ME!  
DADDY! THE PARK! I KNOW YOU TOOK ME THERE A WHILE AGO BUT I WANNA GO AGAIN!  
DADDY! ICHI IS REALLY STUPID!  
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!

* * *

_

"Makimakiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAHHHH!!! NO MORE DADDY! I DON'T WANNA BE THE DA-"

A drowsy, hung-over, misshapen, balding, old, and unsightly old man, Makimaki rose from the cold floor to find his Lieutenant screaming his poorly-conjured up nickname to his ear.

"Makimaki! You were having a nightmare! I came over to wake you up!"

" I see... ... ... ...Fukutaicho! Look! It's Taicho!"

"Ken-chan?!? Where!!! KEN-CHAN!!! COME PLAY WITH MAKIMAKI AND MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

With a snap of a finger Makimaki's fukutaicho dashed off in a second towards a fleeing Zaraki Kenpachi. As the two ran around screaming and laughing, Makimaki remembered his surreal dream.

"Ew. Fukutaicho as my daughter? EWW!! I'd rather DIE! EW. That disgusting brat. I HATE HER. I need an aspirin. Ow, my head. Has somebody been sitting on it?"


	3. Everything Here is Happy

**Everything Here is True!  
By Oekitarts**

**Disclaimer: Is my name Tite? I don't think so.**

**AN: Nothing... err.. hi? Hello! XD**

**Chapter Three: Everything Here is Happy**

A dazed Hitsugaya came home from the first Christmas party that Soul Society has ever had after that Ryokas introduced it's cheerful influence among the land of souls. Thinking it would be a great chance to bond with his fellow shinigami, he was surrounded by drunks, noisy people, irritating music, immature lieutenants, and lots of unwanted insults involving vertical inferiority and inferior pigment distribution.

"I hate Christmas," he said to himself.

Suddenly a great big book fell from the sky. It bore the title, "Shiro-chan's Xmas" and it was bordered by gold lace. It was a present from his fellow shinigami. He slowly opened the book and started reading the story.

* * *

_Once upon a time there lived Squad Ten  
When Shinigami were bored and grief-stricken  
A boy called Toshiro joined the squad of friends  
Only to become captain near the year's end_

_As the boss, Shiro never ever smiled  
Unlike his busty lieutenant, always drunk and wild  
As she asked her boss, for her work made light  
The stress on Shiro made all his hair white_

_Shiro then walked up to Rangiku and said  
"Are you gonna work me up until I'm dead?"  
"Just make sure that you clean the office!"  
"Or else! By tomorrow you shall be jobless!"_

_Indeed this made the lieutenant sad  
Was Taicho always this lonesome and mad?  
What he needed was a little celebration!  
But she needed some Ryokas' consultation_

_She first approached a firm yet intelligent Quincy  
"How do you keep Taicho from being so busy?"  
"I honestly don't know," the wise Quincy said  
"Trust me on this one, he's better off dead!"_

_Then she asked a timid Ryoka the next day  
"What part of me would I present Taicho today?"  
She said, "If all you want is to give him the best,"  
"Do what I do! Just use your chest!"_

_Rangiku just sat one night and crossed her arms  
Would someone so young succumb to her charms?  
A lightbulb lit in her head, and she made a deal  
To cheer up Taicho with some sex appeal!_

_She waited one night for Taicho to arrive  
Then it would be time for her to connive  
She'd shove Taicho's face straight to her chest  
And tease him a bit, but not to molest_

_And so he came barging through the door  
Still drowsy, tired, and stressed to the core_

_Then Rangiku pounced on and made her touchdown!  
What's next is so ugly I shall not write it down_

_Ichigo came the next morning for a short stay  
It was unexplainable why he was all happy and gay  
"Ryoka and Shinigami alike! Do not fear!"  
"Ichigo Kurosaki will bring you some Christmas Cheer!"_

_Rangiku overheard and she was filled with glee  
Will she finally be able to set her Taicho free  
To pull him away from his troublesome job  
To slap some sense to that white-haired snob_

_She devised a plan so grand it'll blow Taicho away  
There'll be singing and presents for all on Christmas day!  
She gathered every shinigami she ever knew  
Then she told her what they were going to do_

_Taicho learned of the wondrous news  
Today, on Christmas, such joy ensues  
A party at five o' clock he must attend  
And bring presents for all of his friends_

_The guests include a man named Santa Claus  
Even Hitsugaya was driven straight to applause  
Even if it was only Komamura in a silly red suit  
Shiro-chan still pretended he gave hoot_

_Santa gave Hinamori a necklace of roses  
Kuukaku got some assorted explosives  
Rukia got her wish: a stuffed bunny toy  
Renji got coal, he's a very bad boy_

_Yoruichi got the movie Drunken Master  
And from Soifon, a sappy love letter  
Orihime got a hot baked apple pie  
Byakuya got flowers, he doesn't know why_

_Hitsugaya was a bit jealous of his friends  
Why didn't Santa give him any presents?  
He rushed on home, took Rangiku with him  
With a broken heart, and a face so grim_

_...but then Santa, or should we say Komamura.  
Had something for Rangiku and Hitsugaya  
He reached into his huge bag of goodies  
And dropped something straight down their chimneys_

_The next morning, surprise! Santa had a present!  
For one Toshiro Hitsugaya, and his lieutenant!  
A bra for Rangiku, shampoo to make Taicho's hair darker  
And a bottle of Flintstones to make him grow taller_

_Shiro, liked the gift, and took a break from Squad Ten  
Rangiku got her wish: no more stress for her Captain  
Let the shinigami of Seireitei bring you some cheer!  
From all the 13 squads, Merry Christmas... AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!_

"_Merry Christmas, Toshiro-Taicho! I hope you liked this present! We made it ourselves!"  
-Love Rangiku, Hinamori, and all your friends_

_PS: There's shampoo and a bottle of chewable vitamins that Santa gave you in the chimney!

* * *

_

Hitsugaya looked upon the humble gift crudely bound by two binder rings, written upon by a calligraphy brush, and the crude illustrations of Yachiru who used too many crayons. He looked back to see his fellow shinigami. For once, he actually had a reason to smile. Merry Christmas indeed.


End file.
